When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize