I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
