I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
