birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Naked Twister starts at high noon
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Randomize
