I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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