woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
