the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize