you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
You smell like a Billy Joel song
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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