I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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