fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
