someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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