Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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