I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
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