So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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