Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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