I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
