Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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