Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Randomize
