May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
