I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
