I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
