Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
