new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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