K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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