I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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