You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize