saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
