There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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