4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
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