just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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