Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Randomize
