I'd wear matching sweaters with you
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
The uberlube is also flammable
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize