dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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