Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize