i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
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