Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
