So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
