Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
