I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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