Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
