shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Randomize
