i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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