Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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