remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
