it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
