Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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