Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
