i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
