Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
