My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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