nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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