I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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