She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
