Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Randomize
