my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
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