just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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